That Ship Has Sailed!

I remember a time when I used to get somewhat annoyed when people asked me, “Do you have children?”  The question is not anything like the unforbidden rule of asking a woman her age.  Heck, I never hesitate when answering THAT particular question, because I often love the surprise (and sometimes debate, lol) on the person’s face when I tell them that I am in my late 40’s (and still fine)!  I started to dig a bit deeper and ask myself, “Why am I annoyed at such a simple question?”  I can admit today that I felt judged! Yeah, maybe sometimes it was all in my head.  There were other times when the judgement and shade thrown my way was too real.  I mean, show me a 40+ year old Black woman who does not have at least one kid, right?  Well, I had not one but none!  I realize now that I created my own mental pressure cooker of measuring myself up against women who appeared to be able to do it all!  Yep, I believe Mothers are the backbone of this world!  Mothers, they somehow, someway, magically make life look so easy.  Personally, I know Mothers who mastered going to school, they created an awesome professional identity, got married (or maybe not), AND had children!  Honestly, I often laugh and ask myself, “What was so special about me and my life that I could not find a day, week, month or year to procreate?”  Over the years, it has become easier to explain to people why I do not have children.  Depending on the person, location, or situation, my delivery and answer to the question may be slightly different.  It has taken me a long time to be comfortable AND confident in saying to folk, “I just don’t have any {children} or, I just didn’t want any.”  Most of the time I can leave my answer right there.  For others, my simple answer was just not enough. I saw their curiosity, their raised eyebrows and their blank stare. They wanted a better explanation.  Their non-verbals translated to, "What do you mean, you NEVER wanted children?”  This question has come from family members, friends, potential intimate partners, and recently a random group of sistahs I met at happy hour.  It was not the question that bothered or annoyed me – it was ME that bothered me!  What did not having children say about ME?  At 40+ years old (unmarried and no children) was I, and am I comfortable with this choice, this decision, and my life?  So warning, I'm about to share TMI!  So, of course as you become more mature there comes a time when you stop having visits from Aunt Flo.  My Aunt Flo decided to stop visiting a year ago and I was so happy when she exited stage left!  Well, I guess she missed me so much that she decided to make a recent grand entrance!  She had the audacity to show up unannounced and uninvited!  She stayed around for a while.  I was on the phone recently with my best friend and my Goddaughter.  I shared with them how Aunt Flo’s visit took me by surprise and how she was also getting on my last nerve.  My Goddaughter said something along the lines of, “Godmom, that’s good, that means you can still have babies!”  For a split second, I was like, “Wow, maybe it is still possible?”  WTH!  Did I really just think that?  I was shocked! I wondered why I had this thought.  Did it come from a place of fear, emptiness or feeling incomplete?  Before I could even process or give the thought more attention, I came to my senses, lol!  Nope, I am so good!  I shut down my Goddaughter’s innocent and playful comment and we all had a quick laugh!  There were a few times in my late 30’s and early 40’s that I had fleeting thoughts about having children. However, today, I live vicariously through my friends who are bringing their beautiful little bundles of joy into this world! Not every woman will be a mother. There are many who have no desire to be. There are plenty more who made the conscious choice early on in life to never be. I realize it is perfectly okay for me to just leave my answer right where it is.  No further explanation needed about my ambivalence unless I want to share it.  That ship has forever sailed when it comes to me having babies.  For now and hopefully for a long time to come, I will continue enjoying what my life has to offer and riding these tidal waves!

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