I remember a time when I used to get somewhat annoyed when
people asked me, “Do you have children?” The question is not anything like the unforbidden rule of asking a woman her
age. Heck, I never hesitate when
answering THAT particular question, because I often love the surprise (and
sometimes debate, lol) on the person’s face when I tell them that I am in my late 40’s (and still fine)! I
started to dig a bit deeper and ask myself, “Why am I annoyed at such a simple
question?” I can admit today that I felt
judged! Yeah, maybe sometimes it was all in my head. There were other times when the
judgement and shade thrown my way was too real. I mean, show me
a 40+ year old Black woman who does not have at least one kid, right? Well, I had not one but none! I realize now that I created my own mental pressure
cooker of measuring myself up against women who appeared to be able to do it
all! Yep, I believe Mothers are the
backbone of this world! Mothers, they
somehow, someway, magically make life look so easy. Personally, I know Mothers who mastered going
to school, they created an awesome professional identity, got married (or maybe
not), AND had children! Honestly, I
often laugh and ask myself, “What was so special about me and my life that I
could not find a day, week, month or year to procreate?” Over the years, it has become easier to
explain to people why I do not have children.
Depending on the person, location, or situation, my delivery and answer
to the question may be slightly different.
It has taken me a long time to be comfortable AND confident in saying to
folk, “I just don’t have any {children} or, I just didn’t want any.” Most of the time I can leave my answer right
there. For others, my simple answer was just not enough. I saw their curiosity, their raised eyebrows and their blank
stare. They wanted a better explanation.
Their non-verbals translated to, "What do you mean, you NEVER wanted
children?” This question has come from
family members, friends, potential intimate partners, and recently a
random group of sistahs I met at happy hour.
It was not the question that bothered or annoyed me – it was ME that
bothered me! What did not having
children say about ME? At 40+ years old (unmarried and no children) was I, and am I comfortable with this choice, this decision, and my life? So warning, I'm about to share TMI! So, of course as you become more
mature there comes a time when you stop having visits from Aunt Flo. My Aunt Flo decided to stop visiting a year
ago and I was so happy when she exited stage left! Well, I guess she missed me so much that she decided
to make a recent grand entrance! She had
the audacity to show up unannounced and uninvited! She stayed around for a while. I was on the phone recently with my best
friend and my Goddaughter. I shared with
them how Aunt Flo’s visit took me by surprise and how she was also getting on
my last nerve. My Goddaughter said
something along the lines of, “Godmom, that’s good, that means you can still
have babies!” For a split second, I was
like, “Wow, maybe it is still possible?” WTH!
Did I really just think that? I
was shocked! I wondered why I had this thought. Did it come from a place of fear, emptiness or
feeling incomplete? Before I could even process
or give the thought more attention, I came to my senses, lol! Nope, I am so good! I shut down my Goddaughter’s innocent and playful
comment and we all had a quick laugh!
There were a few times in my late 30’s and early 40’s that I had
fleeting thoughts about having children. However, today, I live vicariously
through my friends who are bringing their beautiful little bundles of joy into this world! Not
every woman will be a mother. There are many who have no desire to be. There are plenty more who made the conscious choice early on in life to never be. I realize it is perfectly okay for
me to just leave my answer right where it is. No further explanation needed about my ambivalence
unless I want to share it. That ship has
forever sailed when it comes to me having babies. For now and hopefully for a long time to come, I will continue enjoying what my life has to offer and riding
these tidal waves!
I would love to hear your thoughts so please share your comments below. Your support is also appreciated so please share this post with others. Thank you.
Comments
Love you
Max
Love you for sharing this,
Dr. Faith
As for me, I really sat down and did a lot of digging and therapy to come to the realization that I genuinely did not have a desire to have children, I just had a desire to please those around me and children was a part of that. I did not feel like I was living my best life unless I fit a societal mold. Once I broke free of that thinking, I declared my womb a no-baby-zone and I have not looked back. :-)